Ok, let me explain the title. I have been on a roller coaster all of my life with my weight. I think I can say that my parents helped create a lifestyle for me that I found and still find hard to shake. I was a chubby toddler and everyone said she’s so cute. Don’t worry about her it’s just “baby fat” she will grow out of it. Well I did eventually grow out of the baby fat… It turned into adult fat…
When I was seven years old my brother was killed riding his bicycle. I spent a small part of my life depressed with the loss of my brother and my parents moved the family to Reno. Now not only did I lose my brother I also lost all of my family and friends. Seven and without a friend was difficult. I spent a lot of time with my mom and dad when we first moved to Nevada. My depression made them feel bad and they would soothe the depression by letting me stay up past bedtime to have a bowl of ice cream with them. Maple nut ice cream was their favorite, not mine. But… ice cream is ice cream and I wouldn’t turn down ice cream. This would become a lifestyle to me that even now I can’t seem to control.
Sweets to calm the depression, stress, bad times, good times. I don’t think I can remember when we didn’t celebrate or mourn without something gooey.
I think my parent’s came to the realization that I was beginning to get heavy with all the snacks so they made a pact to wait until I was in bed to indulge.
I found out that they wouldn’t know I was eating if I ate in my room. So began the closet eating. I found it easer to eat special treats without their knowledge and without the shame of getting fatter. If they didn’t see me eat it …I didn’t get fat.
I love to eat treats with or without people around but it was no guilt if I was alone. I grew up in Reno and my best friends were also overweight. I hung around with girls that were around my size or larger and I would feel like I was the small one. Funny thing we were all over 175 pounds and they style of the season. Skin tight clothes.
My dad wanted to buy me a car when I turned 16. He gave me a choice of two. The first one was a T-Bird like in American Graffiti that Suzanne Summers drove around with the porthole windows, or a 1964 Ford Fairlane 4 door. Well I knew my friend wouldn’t fit into the T-Bird so I opted out on the Ford. I told my dad my choice and he said “Julie get another friend. you’re making a huge mistake. Well, my choice was made.
Graduating from Wooster High I was still overweight. I would diet and lose weight and gain it back. The yo-yo effect would become part of my lifestyle. I did finally lose enough weight to buy my first size 7 clothes. I tried on this beaded dress and I looked so good! But of course… food was better than being a size 7. I think I had a bunch of things going on that I don’t remember. Oh yeah… Stress… If I see what that Stress monster looks like I think I may kill it with my bare hands!
I tried every diet imaginable growing up. I still try every diet imaginable. The money I spend on infomercial diets and the diet books amazes me. I still won’t bow to gastric bypass. I may save some money though and do a tummy tuck for my ultimate reward. Yep almost 60 and still want a flat stomach someday. I will post my before pictures of my ride as I go along.
I still do the closet food and continue to lie to everyone. Most of the lies are to myself. I must have convinced myself that if they don’t see me I don’t gain weight. I actually bought a box of 4 eclairs once and ate 3. I was so sick to myself physically after I ate three of them I thought of throwing the fourth one away. Humm wasting one… NOT! I ate it. Oh my God. Fool that I am. I was stuffed and I don’t believe in binge and purge.
I still do the same thing. I don’t understand why I do. What possesses me? I don’t want to be fat but I continue the same old habits. Sweet and gooey. It soothes me. I find that I am a stress eater. I don’t think I eat because I am bored or unhappy. Most of the time that the food soothes me is under stressful situations. My life… STRESS…STRESS…STRESS.
I work at a doctor’s office in Missoula MT now and the pharmetical reps are so sweet. They buy us lunches, bring us cookies, donuts, foo foo coffees. and of course my job is at the front desk and it is a STRESSFUL busy and growing office. Here we go again… That four letter word. Nope six letter word… STRESS. I weighed 150 lbs when I started working there 9 years ago. Sheesh… Stress and goodies equal a 56 pound weigh gain, a bad combination.
The following is the way I deal with stress:
A hard day at work… STRESS Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia… Yummy. The place… upstairs in my bedroom with no one present. Gain weight? Hell no, no one sees me eat it.
Family Crisis… STRESS driving to the store and Little Debbie’s Zebra cakes…Yummy. The place… in the car by myself. Three of them the size of a bagel…Gain weight? Hell no, no one sees me eat it.
Another Family Crisis… STRESS I offer to go to the gas station to buy soda. Again… Little Debbie Zebra cakes scream for me. I cut down… Two is enough… I drive around stuffing them into my mouth. swallowing… enjoyment NOT… Sick after oh yeah!
After work, drive to the post office to drop off mail and think about what to make for dinner… Stop at the store to get the fixings. I drift by the bakery… donuts…three of them. Sit in the car and eat them before I go home. SICK… Oh my God!. Then off to the house to cook dinner. Do I eat it… Oh yeah. I can’t let anyone know that I am already full.
Well that explains the weight gain. I know what causes it. I can eat one potato chip or a handful of popcorn. Put me in front of a cake. It’s all over!
Well now. I am going to blog to see if I can be accountable to everyone.
My current weight is ARRRGGGG… I will spit it out… I think ohhh… God…. Little Debbie where are you?
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Height 5 ft 1/12 inches
Age 58 yeah… I have struggled for many years and it doesnt get easier. I have a birthday coming up on April 2. Almost 60…
I am still debating over the diet. Points or not points.
Exercise? I am going to use my bowflex. I purchased it about 5 years ago. Funny thing it’s still new. Never been touched. I have to dust it off and begin.
Another dilemma. I have to start on Monday. Why? excuses… excuses… I guess I really don’t have to wait… Just want to so I can enjoy eating more treats before the BIG day. Well today it is.
I will make myself an oath to not eat anything but healthy food until Monday. Why? because I have to face you…